Fanon:A Cowristmas Carol

A Cowristmas Carol

Parody of Charles Dicken's "A Christmas Carol"

Main Characters:

 - Weesel Moome

 - Hopo Peil, Weesel's employee

 - Legolas Melf, Weesel's business partner

 - The Ghost of Cowristmas Past

 - The Ghost of Cowristmas Present

 - The Ghost of Cowristmas Yet to Come

 - Sugar, Weesel's nephew

Stave 1

Legolas Melf was dead. There was no doubt about that. He was as dead as a cow being pinned to a corner by a dagger-user. It was a cold, harsh winter. Weesel Moome was not shaken, of all people. He had been his business partner, his sole friend, and much more but Weesel was not shaken by the sudden passing of his Legolas. A man came upon Weesel and said, "We must collect money for your partner's funeral, sir." Weesel looked on, and with a grunt, he allowed the man 2 swipes from a Mc Grabby.

Weesel was not a particularly friendly man. No one stopped to look up from their busy farming to say "good day", no one would invite him to stay over at their base to comfort himself, and quite honestly people tried to avoid him. Weesel enjoyed solitude and preferred to stay away from people. There was no mistaking that he would much rather stub his toe on a castle wall than give up money or do anything kind for the others, no less the poor. He returned to the placed marked "Moome and Melf" and unlocked the door to meet his client and work on papers with his stick. "Good day," cried Hopo, graciously taking off his hat in respect. Weesel responded with his signature "If you say so". The room was colder in the presence of Weesel. Hopo tried desperately to warm his hands by the small candle. Weesel grumbled as he heard young to old people outside singing their annoying, merry songs; as Cowristmas was tomorrow. He could not stand it, it tortured him every second! Oh, how merry it was, their joyous chiming was, when a visitor knocked on the heavy door. "Come in," gruffed Weesel.

The door burst open and in came Sugar. "Merry Cowristmas, uncle!" chimed Moome's nephew. It was immediately met with the monotone voice of Weesel, "If you say so." "Oh uncle," cried Sugar, "Come dine with us, as tomorrow is the merriest day of them all!" Weesel looked up from his papers and shouted, "BAH! Whoever goes on with this 'Merry Cowristmas' garbage should be fed to his own pet wolves and beaten to a pulp by the devil MOOSTAFA! Cowristmas is only an excuse for people to fly around with their stupid monkey tails and Mooo out their stupid songs! What has Cowristmas done for you? Has it brought you up from how poor you already are? Cowristmas is just a day where you overspend on food and presents for everyone and be MERRY!!!" Sugar gasped, and cried once again, "UNCLE!" "Cowristmas is a day that should bring joy, and happiness! It's a day where everyone is friends and no one spawnkills or even hacks! It's a day where you can be merry, and Great God Sidney shall bless it! Even IF it has not brought a single piece of gold in my pocket, SO BE IT, I am proud to celebrate Cowristmas, and if you still want to dine with us I with gladly except it and I sure hope you-" "GOOD AFTERNOON!" came the voice of Weesel. "But uncle at least consi-" Sugar pleaded, but was once again met with a firm "GOOD AFTERNOON!" Sugar sadly left the establishment, and looked at Hopo with a smile, wishing him a merry Cowristmas. Hopo beamed.

Weesel rubbed his head, and calmed himself by thinking of rice. Suddenly, two jolly men burst in with Mc Grabbys. They did not seem to look to harm anyone. Weesel looked up and whispered "Oh my god." Of the men started, "Ahem. I hope you are well, but I would like to bring to your attention that many people are not. On this fine, merry holdiay, many people do not get to have the chance to be merry, and we humbly ask that you donate to this cause." Weesel looked up and with a look of sheer annoyance. "Are there no windmills to work on?..." inquired Moome. The man answered, "Yes, there are..." Moome asked again, "Are there jails built up by neighboring groups?..." The man answered, "Yes, but I wish there were not..." Moome put his fingers together and gave a look of satisfaction. "Well then. I thought something was wrong with the system for those people to get out of their little ditch." The man tried to move on and gave the happiest mood he could forward. "Ah... so, good sir, how many Mc Grabby swipes should I put you down for?" "NOTHING!" shouted Weesel. "Ah, so you prefer to be marked anonymous. (whispering) I mean, with a name like that..." Weesel did not hear the second bit, but he still shouted, "I PREFER TO BE LEFT ALONE!"

The men looked at each other and knew that someone like Weesel Moome would not be swayed easily. They walked away solemnly and wished Hopo and even Weesel a merry Cowristmas.

Hours later, Weesel worked his last of the day, and motioned Hopo to open the door. Hopo obediently opened the door, and gave Weesel his signature walking stick. "Bah," Weesel grunted at Hopo. Hopo smiled, and watched Weesel walk away in the mist of winter to his house. As Weesel left, Hopo immediately ran with his monkey tail to be with his festive WIKI tribe and celebrate the coming of Cowristmas.

Weesel walked through the cold, unaffected. He was colder than the harshest of winters, and made the strongest winds seem like nothing. He stepped up to his creeky old house (how were those Wooden Walls still even STANDING?) and proceeded to unlock his door. When suddenly the lock was the ghostly face of Legolas. Yes, Legolas, the partner of Moome who died seven years ago. Weesel Moome screamed and stumbled over, but when he looked up again it was the same pit trap lock.

Moome was not the kind of man to be shaken. The thought of that ghostly, elfish face of Legolas haunted Weesel liked he had never been before. Weesel went up to his bedroom to the fireplace. He lit it with the strike of his stick, and sat down to have his pot of melted cheese, for he had a cold. He sat down, but got up again to check his room. He checked under the table, under the jar of rice, and around his turrets. Shivering, he sat down once again. He was about to eat a spoonful cheese when the turrets started shaking. There were loud noises coming from random places, and for the first time in a long while Weesel completely coward. He buried his face under his cap. The shaking and noises stopped. He doubled locked the pit trap door, and sat down.

Suddenly, large chunks of castle wall and treasure chests that were chained flew in from the double-locked door. They were transparent, and in with them flew a horrible looking ghost. The ghost had several chains around him and chests that he dragged on the floor. The ghost moaned in a horrible voice, "Weeeessseeeeeeel....." Weesel trembled under the ghost's voice and ghastly presence. "W-w-w-w-what do you want??? W-w-who are you??" The ghost replied, "Do not ask who I aaaaammmm, ask who I waaaaas..." Weesel raised an eyebrow. "Well, who were you, then?" The ghost let out a ghastly shriek and replied, "Why, I was your very partner... I did business with yoooou..." Weesel went pale. "LEGOLAS??" The ghost nodded, but that let loose the bandages around his mouth, which made his jaw fly down. Weesel screamed, and then begged, "Please, do not haunt me, why have you come for me, dear Legolas? Also, can you cut out that creepy voice?" The ghost of Legolas wrapped the bandage 'round his neck once again, and replied in a calm voice, "Ya sure. But dear partner, I have come to warn you that these links around me... these heavy chests, vaults, and chunks of concrete... Ah yes. I built them, link by link in my past life, through the horrible, selfish acts I did. Weesel, I have come to tell you that you will drag the same burden in your afterlife if you keep going down this path. I've travelled for seven years without my beloved repeater crossbow, and have dragged these around for seven whole years. Tear... WOE IS MEEEE!" Weesel shrank under Legolas. Shakily, he asked him, "O dear elfy partner, is there hope for me?" Legolas rushed at Weesel and looked at him straight in the eye. "At this rate, by the time you die there'd probably be 46 burdens for you to carry, but dear friend, listen to me. There is still hope, you will be met by three spirits. The first will meet you... in... uh... well he'll just meet you sometime when you wake up. Probably." Legolas then carried his mass of burdens and went out the window. Weesel rushed to the window to ask him more, he gasped in horror at the amount of ghost MooMooers. Ghosts were flying around people, but they were not noticed. He heard some say, "I wish I had not tried to spawnkill him..." and others regret hacking. A ghost saw him and starting rushing toward him with his transparent Booster Hat and monkey tail, but Weesel felt only a gust of wind. Weesel fell down at his bed and went right to sleep.

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To Be Continued